Senseless
by siany
Summary: A take on the conversation right after Virmire form Liara's POV. Liara watches Ashley and Shepard.


Liara felt numb, like her body was no longer her own. They had been lucky so far. On any mission one of their numbers could be lost, it just felt surreal now that it had actually happened. Kaidan had been, not a friend so much, but she had respected him. There had been so little loss in her young life, baring her mother, it was still so new to know that this was just the beginning. Much harder to remember to enjoy the time one had left, rather than dwelling on the eventual loss.

She looked up from her hands twisting in her lap to see Shepard staring out the window, watching as the fires from the explosion burnt out until they were too far away to see anymore. Liara couldn't even begin to fathom the pain she must be experiencing at that moment. The commander had loved Kaidan, even if she had not admitted it to herself. The decision to save Ashley and the Salarians... Liara did not know if she could have done the same.

Shepard sat in her chair now that the planet was out of view. Her back was stiff, her hands clenched into fists so tightly her knuckles were white. Any other time she might have studied that detail, fascinated by the soft peaches and milky whites of the human's skin, but this was no time to indulge.

"I-I can't believe Kaidan didn't make it. How could you just leave him down there?" Ashley said at last, apparently finding her voice.

Her anger flared on Shepard's behalf but she could not act, that was not her place. Shepard turned her head slightly, looking at Ashley through her peripheral vision. "He knew the risks going in. We all do. I had to make a choice."

Ashley was on her feet now, fists clenched. "Like hell!" She glared down at her commanding officer. "It should have been me, you know it should have."

"It was my decision to make, Williams."

"Well you made the wrong one!" Ashley growled, slashing an arm violently through the air.

Shepard sprang up so quickly then that Liara almost missed the moment. Her fist connected solidly with Ashley's jaw, knocking the woman off her feet and sending her skidding across the polished floor. The woman took long moments to recover, sitting up and rubbing at her jaw. She spat blood on the ground, a tooth coming with it, but didn't stand. Liara couldn't help the small, shameful trill of enjoyment that Ashley had gotten what was coming to her.

"What would you have me do?" The commander stood over her felled subordinate like an avenging angel. She didn't yell, Shepard never yelled unless she needed to be heard, but there was venom in her voice, all the warmth sucked out. A lesser human might have soiled themselves at that look. "Turn you into a martyr to finally regain your family's honour?"

She went on, standing stock still while her fists continued to clench and her back stayed straight. "I made the decision that saved the most lives, or was I supposed to just leave the Salarians down there to die while I saved just one man?"

To someone who didn't know her, she would have appeared cold, unfeeling, but Liara had made it a point to study Shepard. Her mouth turned down at the edges slightly, involuntarily, despite the harsh line they formed when she wasn't speaking. Her eyes were dark, watering slightly behind the pinched glare that narrowed them to slits.

"I wasn't just saving you."

Despite the probably broken jaw, the missing tooth and the blood dribbling down her chin, Ashley still continued to glare up at the commander defiantly. Didn't she understand what a difficult decision it had been? Didn't she know that this would scar Shepard permanently? Shepard with her almost impenetrable guards and harsh demeanour, who had opened up to just one person on this ship, the same person who was now gone.

There was a long stalemate as the two military women stared each other down until, at last, it was Shepard who extended her hand for Ashley to take. She hauled the other to her feet but when Ashley was standing neither of them let go immediately.

Liara wanted to intervene then, even if she knew she was much too afraid of making things worse to actually act on the impulse. What was Shepard doing? The things Ashley had said were terrible, hurtful things in the face of such grief... Then she realised that Ashley was hurting too, that she and Kaidan had been friends. That Ashley was just trying to find someone to blame, someone to vent her sorrow out to in the only way she knew how.

And suddenly it made Liara want to cry until she had no more tears left.

Ashley sat back down, as did Shepard. The room was still filled with oppressive emotions, but Ashley turned her head to look at Shepard, slouched over and in on herself. "I'm sorry." She whispered. For what she didn't specify but Shepard's expression softened ever so slightly, another subtle shift that one wouldn't see if they didn't know the woman behind it.

There were no more words exchanged. As the crew disbanded, Liara hovered for a moment, unsure if she should offer her own apology. She didn't though, instead turning to return to her corner of the ship. Shepard would not accept condolences, not for this, not while Saren was still out there. She sat down at her console, activating the data they had collected so far, trying to decipher its meaning once and for all. There was not much she could do, but she could do this.

...and maybe, just maybe Kaidan's death would mean something more than just sorrow.


End file.
